I hear a lot of things when people are on the massage table both male and female talk about the troubles they are having with their ex and usually someone is putting the kids in the middle. The most important thing that comes up is that at least one of the parents needs to teach the child that they are able to decide if either parents are making the right decisions. It is also important to let the child know that just because the parents didn’t match up, the child is not a mistake, they were supposed to be born. And then recognize through the kids eyes why they like the opposite parent. Show your child how to be civil even if you disagree with their parenting.
Because if you spout off about how incompetent they are, it only shows what a bad decision maker you are. Especially if they had a good time away from you. So if you can take the high road and speak well of your ex and emphasize the good points the child has that came from them they will find talents that both of you taught them and learn to value their whole selves. Even if they make your blood boil from all the movies and sugar.
Absolutely they can. BUT only if both parents can focus on this and agree that it is a priority.
When I filed for divorce, I was heartbroken, shocked and angry. Let’s just say my exh had been up to all sorts. I couldn’t look at him much less be civil. We entered mediation where the one thing we could agree on is that the children came first. And we went from there.
It wasn’t easy. It really wasn’t. His actions had imploded our family. I had to cushion the blow for crying children who didn’t understand what had happened. I refused to tell them and will never tell them. I (on repeat) told myself that my relationship as his wife was done. But his relationship to our children as father was not. I would not allow the pain and anger to impact their relationship. And I didn’t. I also didn’t fight over money. Money can be earned.
I have never fought over when he sees the children.
He has always been able to speak to them whenever he wants. When they were young they had a shared device he could contact them on. I always gave them privacy when they spoke.
I have refused job offers that would move me away from where I live (my exh lives fairly close to me. I would never move the children away from their father).
I never took the children away for more than a week when they were young. I knew they would miss him too much. Now they’re much older, we regularly do 10 day holidays.
I have never argued with their father in front of the children or vice versa (in fact, we hardly argue). When there have been the odd occasions where discipline is needed, we work as a team. If a child has had a device removed, then the rule follows the child whichever house they are in. Despite the divorce I made it clear that as parents we remained a joined unit who could not be played off one another.
Today, many years after the divorce, we are amicable. I bear him no ill will for his actions. It’s in the past. Since the divorce he has consistently shown up for our children. He is present for them, he prioritises them. And he has worked with me to raise well mannered, happy children.
I remember being told very early on by the mediator that it isn’t necessarily the divorce itself which damages children. It’s how high level the conflict is between the parents. I believe that. And I’m so grateful for that mediator and her calm but firm points of view. I listened to her and she is the main reason my exh and I are where we are today. BUT, I am working with someone (my exh) who worked with me on this, every step of the way. He didn’t have to, I didn’t have to. But we did.
And it’s one of the things that I am most proud of in my life. He and I (even after divorce) are modelling what respectful, healthy and boundaried relationships look like. A marriage can end. But a new relationship can be built in its place, if the parties involved can work together.
